Wednesday, December 03, 2008

This can't be love

This can't be love, because I feel so well,
No sobs, no sorrows, no sighs.
This can't be love; I get no dizzy spells,
My head is not in the skies.

My heart does not stand still, just hear it beat.
This is too sweet to be love.

This can't be love, because I feel so well,
But still I love to look in your eyes.

My heart does not stand still, just hear it beat.
This is too sweet to be love.

This can't be love, because I feel so well,
But still I love to look in your eyes.
Still I love to look in your eyes.

-Lorenz Hart

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't written in either blog in a while, so I suppose now is as good a time as any.

So let's see...

Dr. Hellberg is amazing. He's working his ass off to treat my weight problem, and he's already found the most likely cause. Turns out my T4 shut down, which is normal. What isn't normal is my T3 was supposed to also shut down to get my T4 to start up again, but instead it started producing MORE hormones, flooding my body with hormones that cause acne, bone problems, temperature problems, facial hair growth, fucked up periods, urticaria, and pregnancy like weight gain. He thinks it's caused by an auto immune disease, likely Lupus, because several family members on my dad's side have it (my grandmother and my uncle).

My sister got married a few months ago. Kevin and Jenny moved into an apartment where Jenny's been working full time AND going to school full time while Kevin's been trying to get into the military. He leaves January 14th to be a chaplain's assistant AND Jenny told me the other day that she's pregnant. I think they're insane, but I'm happy for them and I'll work my ass off to help them any way I can.

Wedding photo:



I got a scooter. Not driving it yet, but I will soon.

Scooter:



Scott and I have picked most of our wedding party. My friend Aaron is a registered minister (Seriously, he became one because it cost like 20 bucks and he figured, why the hell not. I don't think he ever thought he'd use it), so he'll be our officiary. Alex is still my maid of honor, Alyssa and Kindra are still my bridesmaids. Scott's planning on asking his step father to be his best man, and considering Chubbo and Nick for groomsmen.

Scott's mother will be making the bridesmaid's dresses, and we're going to modify my wedding dress.

My dress:



Bridesmaids dresses:



Tux style we're considering for Scott:



We're thinking about gray suits for the groomsmen, maybe white for Aaron. Blue corsages, maybe blue ties...should look good. Kind of Wintery, but not like a damned Christmas theme.

I've become super fucking domestic. I spend my spare time knitting and learning to crochet. It's disgusting.

Well, not all my time. I also play a Star Wars rpg. Where I'm not domesticated, I'm nerdy.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I guess that's about it. I'm doing well in my classes, I think. I can't wait to start at UNM next Fall.

That's about it.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The scariest day of my life

Scott was arrested for a minor traffic misdemeanor the other day. I spent hours and hours trying to figure out where the hell he was, no one would tell me for eight hours or so, and all total it took 12 hours to get him out.

The other reason it was so scary though was because I don't fucking trust Albuquerque cops. They're cruel, brutal, corrupt and have a track record of killing innocents (especially minorities). Apparently, I was right to fear for my fiance's life.

Here's what happened:

Arrest: (2:30-2:45)
- No Miranda rights (no interrogation later)
- Several cops with guns, the leader being a retired police officer.
- Asked if he knew why he was being arrested. When he responds "no", the only response he received was "bench warrants".
- Signed paperwork for registration, license and insurance. Explained fully and police officer placed the paperwork in his back pocket.
- When asked "do you understand what's going on?" his response was "I guess". There was no elaboration on the question and no follow up.

Holding Cell #1 (No clock. Best guess 3:30-4:30)
- An hour (maybe)
- Couldn't talk. Inmates who tried to speak were told to "Shut the fuck up".
- Terrible roach problem.
- 15 men in a 10 by 10ish cell.
- Slapped or kicked hard if caught dozing off.
- Black man demanded lawyer was told to "shut the fuck up" and was bodily slammed by guard into face-first into plexiglass and thrown onto the floor.
- Black drunk man who was rambling (nervously) that he would "cooperate" was pushed into the bathroom by guard, locked in for 20 minutes or so and was ridiculed loudly by the guards. Anyone who needed to use the bathroom was told to wait.

Doctor (no clock)

- Wrote down blood pressure and pulse with out taking it or ever touching him (possibly temperature as well).
- Asked if Scott had ever been to a mental hospital and when he answered yes, the doctor advised him "just say no, it's easier that way." (Scott, while in the army, was admitted into Walter Reed hospital after aiding clean up at the pentagon after 9/11. He was found carving stick figures into his arms with knives. Though not officially diagnosed, he is believed to have suffered depersonalization disassociative disorder. I, his fiance, noticed a return of many symptoms after he was released, where I had not seen symptoms throughout most of our relationship.)
- Had a friend come in and chatted with him for a while while supposed to be working with Scott.

Holding Cell #2 (No clock)

- Pat down.
- 20- 30 (fluctuating) inmates (20 by 20ish cell).
- Told he would get to make phone calls "sometime".
- Smelled like urine, walls sticky, filth on floor, roaches.
- Were told they were allowed to lie down and sleep if they wanted (on filthy, sticky, roach-infested concrete).

Booking (No clock)

- Asked for basic information.
- Took photo.
- Presented with paper that discussed his personal belongings. Also on the paper were the words "$418 cash only". Was told concerning this "this is how much you need to pay".
- Asked about bonding information and was told "you can make phone calls later".
- Witnessed several other inmates being screamed at for asking questions, and thus felt he could not do so freely.

Phones (No clock)

- A man in a NC jersey refused to speak, excursing his Fifth Amendment right. When they herded the inmates into the room with phones, they told him "Oh you! Since you didn't want to talk, you're going to mop the floor instead of phone time."
- Phone time lasted for fifteen minutes.
- 5 out of 8 phones worked at all.
- 25 men elbowed their way through and pushed and shoved to get a chance to make a call.
- Scott tried to call Lofn, but the phone kept disconnecting. Some officers said it wouldn't work with Lofn's cell phone, other's said it would. The only message he managed to get through was "hey there, this is Scott".
- Had to use bathroom during phone time to avoid the exposed and dirty urinal in the holding cell.

Showers (No clock)

- Put belongings in paper bags.
- Shower mandatory, toothbrush, deodorant etc were contraband.
- Little to no privacy.
- No temperature control. Scott's shower was scalding hot, other inmates complained of freezing water.
- took clothes away and provided orange jumpsuits.
- Got note from Lofn from a man she yelled at on the phone. The note only included her name and home phone number, in case he couldn't reach her because of her cell phone. Was told to hide it or the guards would take it away from him. When he called, she had already left to try and get him out, so there was no answer.


Anteroom #1

- 7 by 7 room, 8 inmates, for 1 hour. Guards completely absent for an hour, did not even check on them. So small a room that some could not sit down, so they took turns.

General population section 8 (No clock)

- Moved to general population room and allowed to sit at tables. Some tried to use the phones (including Scott, who had a two minute unproductive conversation with Lofn) but were later told not to. The rules regarding phone use were inconsistent, no where posted, occasionally enforced and seemingly made up on the spot. One phone received phone calls, and the guards let only certain inmates (the ones who seemed to "suck up" to them) answer.
- Lunch
- HUGE roaches now, between 2 and 3 inches long. Guards were laughing about the roach infestation.

Outside (lasted about an hour and a half)

- 20 ft brick wall with mesh top, concrete on ground, hot sun, and VERY little shade.
- Purpose of this seems to be cleaning inside, but this is hard to believe, due to the roaches and filth that seems to have been there a while.
- No phones.
- Talking allowed.

Back inside (No clock, but time can be determined by the television)

- Allowed TV. Watched Olympics. Guards turned off TV during commercials, as if they were trying to not allow inmates to view them, but did so inconsistently. Very strange.
As US won against the Dutch in volleyball, cots were provided for sleep.
- TV off, Scott slept aprox 1 hr. Had been up all night and the day before prior to this.
- Woke to calling names for leaving (including Scott).

Anteroom #2

- Now 10 inmates in small room for ten minutes, again, no one could sit down, and the body heat caused everyone to sweat profusely and smell terrible, as most of the rooms had.
- Marched quickly through unmarked hallways in painful sandals.

Signing papers (No clock)

- Called out line up for bonds.
- Scott had to guess as to whether he belonged in the bond line due to his inability to have contacted Lofn. Became afraid that something bad (like not getting released) would result if he were wrong.
- Couldn't see lady teller through thick screen and she did not offer her name.
- Teller remarked "You really gave us some trouble (most likely referring to Lofn)".
- Teller told him that John Woffard came earlier to post bail. Scott did not know of this at all until this moment.
- At this point, Scott had received one hour of sleep in the past 30 something hours and was extremely tired, delirious, somewhat scared, and disgusted with everything that had happened.
- Scott was provided no time whatsoever to read the first paper, a notice to appear in court and bond paper. It flashed on a screen immediately followed by a "sign here" box that popped up over the paper and prevented him from reading it.
- The second group of papers was displayed similarly. This time the teller said "Just sign here and you'll be on your way" and rushed him through signing, encouraging him to not read the papers.
- The third group of papers were identical to second.
- The fees, $418 before, were now $618, with no explanation.
- Waited 10 more minutes, picked up valuables and clothes.
- Stopped at the very last door in a line for ten minutes while the guards ordered Subway sandwiches for themselves, in front of the tired, stinky, frightened, anxious men.

Paddy Wagon

-11 inmates, no seatbelts, inadequate air conditioning, hour-long drive to downtown Albuquerque.
- At this time still had no idea what the warrants were for, no one ever explained them and the papers were unclear as to what his crimes entailed, whether he had to show up in a court, or whether the bond would be repaid to Mr. Woffard.
- At this time he was also able to look at the paperwork he had signed and believed to be nothing more than verifying his release. He was shocked to discover "admission of guilt" and "I waive my right to..." written all over them.
-Time of drop off: 4:30
-Picked up at: 5:30 (He sat on a sidewalk for a whole hour before we finally found him).

Monday, July 14, 2008

Love is a crying baby mama warned you not to shake...

I'm tired and want to go to bed, but I wanted to say...
























































































I'm getting married. ^_^

Sunday, July 06, 2008

After me come the floods

*Forgive the anger in this post, I just need to rant. At one point in this I get really pissed. I don't mean to offend people's religion, but I do NOT respect religions that do not respect me and mine.*

Февраль. Достать чернил и плакать!
Писать о феврале навзрыд,
Пока грохочащая слякоть
Весною черною горит.

Достать пролетку. За шесть гривен
Чрез благовест, чрез клик колес
Перенестись туда, где ливень
Еще шумней чернил и слез.

Где, как обугленные груши,
С деревьев тысячи грачей
Сорвутся в лужи и обрушат
Сухую грусть на дно очей.

Под ней проталины чернеют,
И ветер криками изрыт,
И чем случайней, тем вернее
Слагаются стихи навзрыд.

-Boris Pasternak (Falling more and more in love with the Russian language. The translation is at the bottom.)

I keep having these dreams...I'll talk about them at the bottom of this post. But before I do, I want to talk about three people who I'm very very proud of, to give a bit of background. These are three of my personal heros, and three of my best friends.

Pat finally decided to let us call him by his new name. His mother helped him pick it out, and I'm so proud of her for how supportive she's been. They decided on Scholastica (catholic patron saint, I believe) Aleksandra (a name Pat called himself when playing as a kid). Aleks for short.

I'm so proud of him for his bravery. He first started telling people he was transgender late last year, and he's already about to be on hormones, getting his name changed, and his therapist wants to see the SRS (sex reassignment) bottom surgery happen while he's in his early twenties. We don't think he'll need top surgery because of his current hormone level (low testosterone AND progesterone levels. He's like a blank slate).

I've also been spending a lot of time with Alyssa and Nat. They've been dating now for five years over the internet, and Nat's finally here. Even though Nat is living in Alyssa's mothers house, her mother doesn't know that they're lesbians. Alyssa's sister came out a time ago, and Alyssa's mom talks about her like she's some kind of damned prodigal (When really she's engaged to a woman and helping her raise her two sons in a really nice house on a good side of town. And did I mention she's super happy?), and refuses to talk to Angela. I'm proud of them for not giving up in spite of an enormous amount of pressure.



As for the dreams...

The first dream was a combination of blueprints and construction. I walked into the middle of a large square of ground with lots of grass and a couple of trees. I had blueprints in my hand, four buildings, one in each corner. The buildings were labeled "psych bldg", "medical bldg", "safe house" and "education bldg". There was a fifth building in the middle labeled chapel, and a playground between the education building and the safe house.

I walked around telling people how I wanted everything built, telling them what I wanted, picking out playground equipment, office supplies, deciding how many beds I wanted...and then I woke up.

In the second dream, everything was built. I was standing in the chapel with a big screen behind me, and the room was filled with people. I announced "Today is an important day, as was yesterday, as is tomorrow. I thank you all for your interest in being part of this team of extraordinary people who will change the world."

They watched movies on the screen that had been behind me, Barbara Walters special on transgendered children, Rent, Chasing Amy, If These Walls Could Talk 2, Ha Buah, Hedwig and the angry inch, etc. And one by one, I spoke privately with each one.

I spoke with psychologists, cosmetic surgeons, nurses, security guards, teachers, secretaries... Gave some jobs and tested some with one-way mirrors and actors to make sure they would be professional. I had to reject some, and helped each one find a job more suitable or an institute more suitable for them.

In the third dream, I dreamt of the first few days of this place that I had built. People would come for counseling and sex education, to discuss cosmetic surgery and SRS with our doctors, teenage runaways, battered people, and unwanted children flocked to the safe house.

This dream was shorter, most of the dream was of a 6 or 7 year old boy who my security found wandering the grounds at 4 AM. His mother dropped him off saying he was going to camp, abandoning him because she saw him kissing another boy. I sat and talked with him till the sun came up, and put him to bed in the safe house when he got tired. After that, I just sat up watching the kids on the playground and watching the teenagers sit in the grass and talk.

In each of these dreams, I haven't wanted to wake up. I want to do this. I want to dedicate my life to this. I love these people and want to make the world a better place for them. Calling transgendered persons an abomination. IT'S A BIRTH DEFECT! Are people born with birth defects also abominations? Are they supposed to just live with it??? Where the FUCK does it say it is wrong in the bible????? Why is a transgendered person sinning but a boob job isn't???

It is so unfair how our society treats these people, calling love a sin, unnatural, an abomination... Love can't be a sin!

I dare you, tell me this is a sin:











This has been angering me a lot lately. I'm not even a christian and see the problem. Hatred disguised as religion. Disgusting. Worse, religion disguised as politics! Our country seriously uses religion to justify anti gay marriage laws, and then tries to claim we have freedom of religion!

Anyway, I'm too pissed off and don't want to write anymore. So if you disagree and believe that being gay is a sin, read this: http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-gay-christian

Translation:

February. Get ink, shed tears.
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing,
While torrential slush that roars
Burns in the blackness of the spring.

Go hire a buggy. For six grivnas,
Race through the noise of bells and wheels
To where the ink and all you grieving
Are muffled when the rainshower falls.

To where, like pears burnt black as charcoal,
A myriad rooks, plucked from the trees,
Fall down into the puddles, hurl
Dry sadness deep into the eyes.

Below, the wet black earth shows through,
With sudden cries the wind is pitted,
The more haphazard, the more true
The poetry that sobs its heart out.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Physics makes us all his bitches.

"I guess it would be nice to help in your escape
From patterns your parents designed
All the party people dancing for the indie star
But he's the worst faker by far
But in the set, I forget all of the beauty's wasted" -Of Montreal, Gronlandic Edit

I hate how long it takes me to write entries these days. My entries all become summaries of everything that has happened. So I'll make it brief, and then spend time talking about Pat (because the world must ever revolve around him). :)

Scott and I will have been together one year this September. We've still only had one fight, and it was caused by a drunk girl at a party (the fight only lasted at most two hours, and it didn't get out of hand at all). He's still wonderful and everything I've called him in the past. And I don't think it's really a secret to anyone, but if he proposed, and I think he only hasn't because he's worried about money and job stuff, I would say yes in a second. I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him, and he think he feels the same way.

He said last night it all seems too good to be true. I told him he can be a skeptic all he wants, but I'm still here. He said he hadn't thought of it that way.

Meanwhile, my sister told me last night she's getting married. Yes, my little sister, who started school before me and has held a job longer than any of my jobs, and who started dressing like a fucking adult before me, is getting married, before me. :) I sound bitter, but I'm really not. She's jumping into things very quickly (they've been together for three months, and they're getting married in 11 weeks), and I'm only not engaged yet because I want to be independent financially first.

Here's a picture of Jenny and Kevin:



And this is one of me and Scott at the first annual Zombie Crawl in downtown burque. I found it while rooting around for the one of Jenny and Kevin, and enjoy it so much I wanted to post it.

Photobucket


Sooo...

Actually, I have a doctor's appt I have to hurry to. I'll come back later and talk about Pat a whole bunch until we're all sick of his elitist ways. :)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Insects flutter up against my window, I don't like the way they look at me.

I haven't posted on here in a while now. Scott and I are doing wonderfully, he makes me more and more happy the longer I get to know him. I've never met anyone who can do to me what he does.

He just fits. Physically, emotionally, mentally, I feel like he just belongs in my life. He's not a stranger passing through, he's not the romanticized "one" everyone talks about. He's Scott, I'm Lofn, and we just love each other. He's my part time lover and full time friend, nothing felt up, just a beautiful friendship that has deepened into something I don't want to go away, and neither does he, at least any time soon.

He doesn't mind that I've been broken, and he's helping me with therapy. I'm on several drugs that scare me a little, and he's been there helping me make sure that I'm not turning into a zombie.

It's not tumultuous like my past relationships have been, we don't have bitter knock down drag out fights. We apologize quickly and try to help each other rather than get in each others way. We're moving slowly in our relationship, not moving in or getting married, at least not until we're stable and fully independent.

So that's enough about that.

School is going well. My English teacher is proud of my writing skills, my public speaking teacher has faith in my diplomacy skills to the point where he'll let me do a speech on teen suicide. My pilates instructor says my elbows hyperextend, whatever that has to do with anything. My math teachers are nice, and doing what they can to help me get through, and my astronomy teachers looks like Billy Joel and doesn't notice the goofy things I put in my reading question answer pages like "Jovian planets are comprised of gas, this is due to the fact that Imhotep is invisible." or "The life of Tycho Brahe is an interesting story, all about how his life got flipped-turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,
I'll tell you how he became the prince of a town called Bel Air...".

Our education system at work ladies and gentlemen.

My friend Kindra moved away, and I was pretty miserable, now I've just been lonely, so I told Patrick he needs to spend more time with me. I've been talking to Lonnie more and more, keeping pretty close tabs on how he's been. I find myself missing a lot of friends from my past right now. As much as I wouldn't trade Scott for anything, I miss the commune, I miss Mezamiz, I miss IHOP, and I miss all the friends I made that I moved away from. I'm still having trouble meeting people, and now that Kindra's moved away. It's kinda sad.

So I've become a homebody. My current stupid hobby is moderating an emo message board. Basically bitch slapping retarded 12 year olds and showing 711chaners (who are best described as the "K-Mart" 4chan) who exactly is lord of the internets (me, and the Admin).

711chaner (in my chat room): thos emofags wil buuuuuuuuuuuuurn LOLO!!!11!
Me: Hell yeah! I'm with you man!
711chaner (in a pm): Dude, your anon?? You're with us? COOL! The raid iz tonight @ 11, we're going to start spamming posts with pics of al Gore, get it? Like goring but i's al gor!!!
Me: YEah LOL That's fucking hilarious! Tonight you say?


They provide endless hours of entertainment for me and Admin, especially because they actually STILL think I'm a veteran 4chaner, when I'm really a secret mod.

Wow.. I really don't have a life. Anyway it's about time I smoked and took some meds. I'll have to remember to post more on here. :p


Song that reminds me of Scott:


Be gentle with me
by The boy least likely to

Staring up into the solar system,
All the stars are fixed up in the sky.
I just want to sparkle for a moment
Before I just fizzle out and die.

I'm happy because I'm stupid.
Scared of spiders, scared of flying.
If I wasn't so happy,
I wouldn't be so scared of dying.

So just be gentle with me
(I'm not as young as I was)
And I'll be gentle with you
I'm not as brave as I thought
'Cause my heart gets broken so easily.
So just be gentle, be gentle with me.

Wide awake, waiting like a target
Listening for things I cannot see.
Insects flutter up against my window.
I don't like the way they look at me

i guess I've always needed
To be needed by someone.
It's a comforting feeling
Being under someone's thumb.

So just be gentle with me
(And if I am ever mean)
And I'll be gentle with you
I never mean to be mean
'Cause I want to pick peaches off of a cherry tree.
Just be gentle, be gentle, be gentle,
Be gentle with me.

So just be gentle with me
Trouble is sometimes
And I'll be gentle with you
I just can't switch myself off
When I want to so I never do
Because I'm mental, be gentle, be gentle,
Just be gentle, be gentle, be gentle
And I'll be gentle, be gentle, be gentle,be gentle with you.