Words

"You're probably wondering what the point of all this ugly rambling bullshit is.
It's this: THE FUTURE IS INHERINTLY A GOOD THING. And we move into it one winter at a time." -Spider Jerusalem







(Merry Christmas, Yule, Kwanzaa, Hanukah... and have a Happy New Year)

Yes I am, and I'm hollerin' "hey baby!", sayin "hey baby!"...

I woke up with an upbeat song stuck in my head and my boyfriend kissing the back of my neck.

He has a tendency to wake me up like that. He comes in, lays down beside me and kisses me and moves around till I wake up.

I've never had someone treat me so nicely. We had a fight yesterday, and instead of getting mad and pointing out how wrong I am about everything, today he's been doing all the little things that i complained about him not doing yesterday. Encouraging me in not smoking, helping me keep my room in better shape (and not adding to the mess), and he hasn't given me any crap about eating candy and snack foods (though, to hold my end of the bargain, i've not eaten near as much as usual).

I've never been in a relationship with someone who LISTENS and tries to actually CHANGE.

I think it'll be a good day. I had some doubt earlier, but I'm starting to realize how lucky I really am.

Words

"There’s an emptiness inside her and she’d do anything to fill it in. And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now, it’s more like cold blue ice in her heart. She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but all the colors mix together - to grey. And it breaks her heart."

-Dave Matthews, grey street

Theres a crazy man creepin outside my door..

Myke wrote me a letter. It's about time.

The subject line was shockingly bitter and sad. "By now you must hate me." I replied, "I could NEVER hate you."


He went on to say that if i was a "vengeful wrathful person" I should be happy, as he has no guitar and won't have it till January 20th. I replied "I am a vengeful and wrathful woman, but no man deserves that. Especially you"

"Anyway, I'm glad to see that you've found real love. You deserve it."

[jealousy?]

Hope you have a great Holiday season...I'm sure you will.

[resignation?]

I'm gonna go drink some Japanese beer.

[Resignation. Bitterness. Drunk and alone on Christmas.]

Too little too late, my dear. And of course, you must finish with the line that can only be translated as, "i want to say it, oh but how to say it and hide my feelings simultaneously?"

Love ya,
Myke

My reply?

I love you too,
Lofn

Words

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” -Abraham Lincoln

I just don't know what to do with myself...

And AGAIN.

I feel so malicous this time. I don't want to be but hear me out concerning this dillemna.

I've been told all my life to let go of the pain. When someone wrongs you, your suppose to forgive and foregt right? So you don't hurt yourself right?

But isn't that also letting them get away with it? That sounds horribly childish, and before you answer that, hear this.

Why do people want to hurt me at every turn, and when will they get theirs?

I only ask because I've never seen it.

...

As for an update on Tony and I, We are living in Albuquerque New Mexico again, as my former friend Adam turned on us, threatened us and left us in the cold. We have no money and have no choice but to work our asses off to try and get on our feet again.

I've decided to re-record the second album. Possibly re-write it as well. I need to tell Myke about this asap...But I haven't really heard from Myke anyway so whatever.

I need to go sleep. I've been sick for almost the entire past month, but i'm so frusterated, I feel so weak, so unnatractive, I may not be able to. My head is spinning with so many emotions. I just want to trust someone. I just want the clear clean childlike ability to TRUST.

Words

"People love us or hate us but nobody thinks nothing about us," -Lena Katina

Reading time with Pickle

So again...We're looking for a place to stay again.

Not that Adam is lacking. The apt guy just wants up out. We have a little under a week to be out by.

Tony says I need to stop worrying so much and smile more often, But every time I try to sleep I wonder where I'll get the money for a car, for college, for an apartment...what about credit? Are loans a bad idea? How can I get a job to save up for a car if I don't have a car to get myself to work?

Every time I think about eating I think about my body. I'm gaining too much weight, I have no hair, my face looks like shit, this shirt makes my stomach look flabby, these pants are getting to tight. Makes it impossible to eat.

He says he loves me. Simply believing he's not lying, yeah, that would be too easy. My mind rejects everything I would want to hear, and writes it all off as lies.

I don't know what to think about anything.

All I know for sure is that I love him and refuse to stop loving him. All I know is I want to believe and I'll try hard to believe his every word.

All I know is we'll make it.

He dreamed about us and dreamed about pictures of me at christmastime. He dreamed about me holding a baby.

He says we'll make it. I pray that he's right.

Words

"You must like it when people in authority they never earned lie to you." -Spider Jerusalem

On an island in the sun

We're leaving in the morning... [but it is morning] ...then we're leaving when the sun comes up....

We have to be out by noon.

Fantastic.

Were it not for Adam, I'd be on a greyhound right now, going back to mommy and daddy's house, Wondering what I did to disturb my boyfriend's father aside from holding the knife incorrectly while trying to cut my asparagous at dinner.

Instead, I'm packing my bags and wondering what the correct way to spell asparagous might be.

[Tony says there is no O in Aparagous]