Finding old blogs is crazy creepy

Someone asked where I'm blogging these days (I'm really not, unless you count all the porn and Community gifs on my Tumblr as "blogging"), and it made me wonder what all blogs I even have out there....Myspace was totally creepy, but this one makes me uncomfortable now as well. Not sure whether this means I should blog in this to correct how stupid I used to be back in the day, or if I should abandon this completely. I also don't know if it would be better to delete this page without reading, or spend a couple weeks reading it and dealing with all the feelings. At any rate, I think I'm way too sensitive to read much of it tonight. UGH. Nice to know this is here though. I had completely forgotten it.

Let's get married in a big cathedral by a priest, cause if I'm the man you love the most you can say "I do" at least!

Wedding planning has been interesting. I'm having a hard time keeping track of everything, so I think I'll be setting up a wedding blog to keep track of my thoughts, purchases, etc. Hopefully it will help and encourage me to post more often on here.

Not much else is really going on...Alex started injections and is looking absolutely amazing, Aaron (my minister) and his girlfriend Britney ran off to Vegas and got married...My sister is due in four weeks and Nadiya is very healthy. Kevin left for South Korea a few weeks ago and it seriously breaks all of our hearts. Fucking Army splitting up families and shit. Assholes.

Scott's classes got screwed up, but that might not be too bad. Hopefully it will mean he and I can take our trip to Abilene and possibly DC. I really want to meet his father before the wedding (he passed away while Scott was still a teenager from a blood clot in his brain, and he's buried at Arlington cemetery). In Abilene, I mostly want to see the acoustic jams and Mezamiz, for old time's sake. Maybe the spot at Elm Creek I used to hang around when I was feeling lonely. That'd be fitting.

I don't know how I feel about trying to go to my old church. It would certainly help my de-conversion process, but I don't think I'd want to run into anyone. I don't think I mentioned de-conversion yet. I'm reading a lot of ex-christian and ex-ex-gay stuff, and I've been realizing just how much stuff, mostly negative and neutral, the christian faith left in my subconscious. It's helping me feel a lot more confident about my disbelief.

For example, it's nice just to see all of the responses to my leaving the faith all listed on one web page. http://de-conversion.com/2008/03/27/convenient-categories/ followed by the real reasons a lot of people leave. http://de-conversion.com/2008/04/07/inconvenient-categories-the-really-real-reasons-de-cons-left-the-faith/#comment-33996 It just really puts everything in perspective.

So off I go to make my wedding blog. Oh yeah :) I got to ride my scooter!!! :) Now I just need to get it street legal and I'll be riding it everywhere!

Thick-headed

I've been arguing with this user... We are pretty sure he's a Government spammer. At one point he messaged me and called me a spammer, as well, and told me not to be shy.

The conversation has escalated, and he seems to be devoutly Shi'ite, though I can't be sure. Here is the beginning and the second part of the conversation. I don't know if it is over or not, but I just keep trying to keep it on topic of the Election situation in Iran, and not on Americans or Israelis (oddly).




And here's a snap of his profile header...

Another One for Tehran

Hey everyone, this is Dany `koa again. I know you're all interested to know how things are going on the Twitterfront. Someone made a blogger entry that I happened to be quoted in. Here's the link:
http://tinyurl.com/l8o5p7

It's pretty interesting. I'll be making one also. I just don't know what much to say about it... it's hard to put into words.

D`k

Commandeered

I'm just commandeering this blog for a second (thanks to Chris -- sorry, love, but I felt the need to spread the word, and you've got a few readers more than I, I think... hah)

---

I found this link on Twitter, but I'm posting it here. Please... be warned, these can be graphic. However, we need to know!

http://tinyurl.com/ll8a9l

It's a link to another blogger put up by someone who can get access to videos of Tehran.

Daniel "`koa"

Hear people talk about going to heaven, grab a little bit of heaven right here on earth.

"I wanna be rich, I wanna be happy
And live inside a love that shines bright enough to last a lifetime
I wanna be rich, more than a fantasy
Ride the winds and fly,
Spread your wings and fly
Cause it's all a state of mind"
-Raul Midon, State of Mind

I don't know if I would have quit smoking if I knew I'd be nauseous, throwing up each day, and having what appears to be asthma I haven't experienced since I started smoking. It seems I'm having withdrawals from drugs I haven't done in several years, probably because I used smoking as a replacement addiction.

So I'm shivering cold and it's 73 degrees, I feel like I'm going to be sick, but I think my body is waiting for me to change my patch before it does that, and my stomach is quickly approaching that point where the only thing that will stay down is yogurt.

I feel like a junkie, I think I look like one. I saw Chelsea from English class at a cafe the other day, and she asked how I'd been doing, and I stared at her confused and kept asking her to repeat herself. Then I would slur and mumble and not explain why when she would ask if I was ok. Eventually, I just said I was really tired and needed to go home and nap. I feel awkward and embarrassed around people.

Anyway, I found a site that gave me a better price for my bridesmaids dresses. They say they can do them for 140 rather than 160. Considering I need three of them, that cuts 60 dollars off of the full thing. I think my mom will be happy about that. I still need to tackle Alyssa and strangle her with the tape measure. It's funny. I have Alek's measurements, and she's been super busy with work and such, I got Kindra's and she lives in Las Vegas, and though I see her every Saturday, and though Scott and Nat have been hanging out each monday, and even though she's actually been right down the road every day for the past like two weeks doing her clinicals, I still don't have her dress size.

I guess the biggest thing happening with me is my beliefs. I've been an ex-christian now for several years, and while I've talked openly about it with friends and strangers, I was never very good discussing everything with myself, and I never talked to my parents about it. Aaron has been giving me ex-christian literature lately, and I've been really dealing with my upbringing. I've been feeling cheated and angry, and I've been looking back on my life and really knowing that so much of it was needlessly damaged, all because of jewish paganism and a side sect. I've been remembering high school and how hard it was for me to relate socially, I remember feeling like a pervert for something as good and natural as masturbation, I remember feeling I deserved hell for liking girls, and I remember begging god as early as 13 to sew my vagina shut or make me paralyzed from the waist down so that the temptation of lust wouldn't be so hard, why? Because I just didn't want to hurt Jesus anymore.

I see it all now as incredibly unhealthy. Especially with how little sense the bible even makes. I've been reading the Skeptic's Annotated Bible lately, and I'm really starting to believe that the bible has faaaar more continuity problems than Star Wars, and that becoming a jedi might be a healthier alternative. I'm beginning to understand now all those people (especially Travis and Lonnie) who call the bible sexist (Lot's daughter's "raping him" did it for me. "Drunk" does not mean "unconcious but magically erect". The bible excused a man committing incest, and blamed it on the women. COME ON. I know what super drunk feels like, and you still have some kind of control. How many men have used "I was drunk" as an excuse for all kinds of shit? We don't excuse drunk drivers, we don't excuse drunk fuckers. Also, TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW??? If it only happened once, I might understand, but this doesn't just HAPPEN two nights in a row. I can't follow a religion that endorses blaming women for a man's drunken actions. Also, the bible says female rape victims have to marry their rapist. How can anyone follow a religion, and "take the whole thing literally", that would say that?).

I finally feel able to talk about my hatred for christianity, and my concern for christian's mental health and sense of common sense. We elected a president who said he wasn't sure if atheists should be considered citizens, and especially not patriots (George Bush Sr). Does that seem like the words of a sane president? That seems anti-american to me! Really now, I can't see how christianity can be considered healthy, in any way. It was desperately unhealthy for me, and please be assured I am definitely sure it was the religion, not the church. The church treating me the way it did actually got me away long enough to think for myself. I couldn't have made a good decision if I was still being brainwashed every Sunday.

I have found peace, joy and feel truly fulfilled. I'm sick as hell right now, and still I feel that my life is very very good. I'm happy, confident and sure of myself. AND I get to drink alcohol, fuck Scott and masturbate and look at porn all I want. :)

I had a dream the other day that Scott and I got old and he died and I re-married and it was a woman, and Scott was like some kind of damned Star Wars ghost and he said that it made him happy, knowing that I wasn't alone, and that I was with someone who loved me. And I know that that was a beautiful dream, because we always talk about re-marrying if one of us died (his mother is a re-married widow, his father passed away when Scott was still a teenager), and it made me a lot more comfortable with the idea of trying to date again if something bad were to happen.

Thing is, I also know, fully and completely, that marrying a woman is no different than marrying a man. When I had dreamed it, it was the most natural thing in the world. I woke up, and it was sweet and natural. I got half-way through writing this, and I realized that it feels natural. I would have called my dream temptation if I had had it in high school. Now that I know for myself what a gay relationship feels like, I can tell you: It doesn't feel unnatural, sinful or evil, it feels (to me), morally and spiritually, the same as a straight relationship. I was lied to.

The point of these last two paragraphs is this. I should have never had to feel bad for who I am or whom I have loved. This was a tragedy. This was brainwashing. Years of my life were stolen from me. Pascal’s Wager is bullshit. It states that "even though the existence of God cannot be determined through reason, a person should wager as though God exists, because so living has everything to gain, and nothing to lose". (wikipedia)

I had EVERYTHING to lose. I spent years crying because OH GOD I LOOKED AT A GIRLS BOOBS! BAWWWW

Richard Dawkins put it well. This quote made me cry: "Suppose we grant that there is indeed some small chance that God exists. Nevertheless, it could be said that you will lead a better, fuller life if you bet on his not existing, than if you bet on his existing and therefore squander your precious time on worshiping him, sacrificing to him, fighting and dying for him, etc."(the Anti-Pascal Wager, from The God Delusion)


So that's my scattered thought rant thing for the day.

189 days till the wedding. :)
2 weeks and 1 day since I quit smoking. :p

This can't be love

This can't be love, because I feel so well,
No sobs, no sorrows, no sighs.
This can't be love; I get no dizzy spells,
My head is not in the skies.

My heart does not stand still, just hear it beat.
This is too sweet to be love.

This can't be love, because I feel so well,
But still I love to look in your eyes.

My heart does not stand still, just hear it beat.
This is too sweet to be love.

This can't be love, because I feel so well,
But still I love to look in your eyes.
Still I love to look in your eyes.

-Lorenz Hart

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I haven't written in either blog in a while, so I suppose now is as good a time as any.

So let's see...

Dr. Hellberg is amazing. He's working his ass off to treat my weight problem, and he's already found the most likely cause. Turns out my T4 shut down, which is normal. What isn't normal is my T3 was supposed to also shut down to get my T4 to start up again, but instead it started producing MORE hormones, flooding my body with hormones that cause acne, bone problems, temperature problems, facial hair growth, fucked up periods, urticaria, and pregnancy like weight gain. He thinks it's caused by an auto immune disease, likely Lupus, because several family members on my dad's side have it (my grandmother and my uncle).

My sister got married a few months ago. Kevin and Jenny moved into an apartment where Jenny's been working full time AND going to school full time while Kevin's been trying to get into the military. He leaves January 14th to be a chaplain's assistant AND Jenny told me the other day that she's pregnant. I think they're insane, but I'm happy for them and I'll work my ass off to help them any way I can.

Wedding photo:



I got a scooter. Not driving it yet, but I will soon.

Scooter:



Scott and I have picked most of our wedding party. My friend Aaron is a registered minister (Seriously, he became one because it cost like 20 bucks and he figured, why the hell not. I don't think he ever thought he'd use it), so he'll be our officiary. Alex is still my maid of honor, Alyssa and Kindra are still my bridesmaids. Scott's planning on asking his step father to be his best man, and considering Chubbo and Nick for groomsmen.

Scott's mother will be making the bridesmaid's dresses, and we're going to modify my wedding dress.

My dress:



Bridesmaids dresses:



Tux style we're considering for Scott:



We're thinking about gray suits for the groomsmen, maybe white for Aaron. Blue corsages, maybe blue ties...should look good. Kind of Wintery, but not like a damned Christmas theme.

I've become super fucking domestic. I spend my spare time knitting and learning to crochet. It's disgusting.

Well, not all my time. I also play a Star Wars rpg. Where I'm not domesticated, I'm nerdy.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I guess that's about it. I'm doing well in my classes, I think. I can't wait to start at UNM next Fall.

That's about it.