Can't identify the body, nigga toothless...

Why the FUCK am I still listening to DMX?? Because he scares me, and I feel that if I ever stopped listening to him, He'd probably eat me.

That and the growl before his line in "touch it" the mega remix is really undeniably sexy. I'm such a mud shark.

"Tony needs to get over himself." Is the understatement of the year. But what can I do love? He's one of the few people to actually "get me" since you. Lonnie got it, Travis kind of got it, You totally got it, Caleb kind of gets it, Myke almost got it (but was scared to admit it), Sarah....sometimes I wonder if it wasn't that she didn't get me, but that I didn't get her.

I want to keep Tony as my friend...I'm tired of being so alone.

I'm not pregnant. I have that to be thankful for.

If you haven't seen my dream journal, you should. I'm only posting in there when I really have some psycho dream I can't shake, but I've been getting those a lot more often, so it should be semi-regularly.

So I'm at school right now...I gave Ryan my password to get into Jeff's readings for logic and critical thinking, and now I'm just kind of fucking around. I might smoke with the remaining twenty minutes I have before I have to go into class and pretend I know what the hell he's talking about. (Me: "truth tables? Ah yes, Truth tables, well, as you see, they are tables, and, they concern themselves with the truth." Jeff: "You didn't do your homework again, did you Lofn?")

Words.

"Playing with prodigal songs, takes a lot of sentimental valiums. Can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy, while running on empty, you little old doll with a frown."

-Rufus WainWright

Queerest of the queer

I slapped Tony over the head last night.

It's not abuse. He made me mad, and I slapped him upside the head. He keeps calling it "abuse", but I swear to god. I've done this twice, now, one during the breakup, one last night... Not making what I did right, but he needs to stop calling it "abuse". I've had the shit beaten out of me in relationships, and I was dumb enough to stay for a really long time. If I was truly abusive, he would have left by now.

We're actually becomming good friends aside from that...And still having sex...I've stopped caring. I'd rather sleep with my ex boyfriend than total stangers, which is what I used to do before I met him.

I've hit the strangest point. We're broken up, allowed to sleep with other people, and...(please don't let this ever be repeated ever...And Dany...please don't think I'm a horrible person)...We actually tried the whole threesome thing. I had a threesome before, just, not on purpose, and it was two men...But this was actually kind of a relief...there was no oral or intercourse involved. We got naked, made out in a bed, touched each other and went home.

I feel surprisingly good about it. I can't explain it.

Enough about my bizarro sex life :p It'll make an awesome movie someday I'm sure. This is why I'm happy today, and why I'm sad (the Bad is also why I hit Tony last night. I accused him of being "just like everyone else)

Good: The one year anniversary for quitting cocaine is the fourteenth, I think. I recall doing drugs for work around the 13th or 14th, and then quitting before my b-day. and the best part is, I TURNED DOWN COKE LAST NIGHT! This was the first time it's been offered to me in ages, and I turned it down. :) Not to mention turning down weed. That was surprising.

Bad: Today is the one year anniversary of getting pregnant :( Five months from now will be the one year anniversary of miscarrying. :(

Daniel, Over the years, Our lives have gone in completely different directions, I've made some HORRIBLE decisisions...And it's strange. Your still the only one I count on to always be there.

[Condescending my ass]

Words.

"Women are like men, but men are not like women. You'll understand when your older." -Coach McGirk, Home Movies

Will you love me just a little, just to show you care?

For the record, at least someone is doing something, going somewhere...even if prayers escape us both, I'm still proud of you, and that means something to me.

Also for the record. Tony was hugging me on my bed. We were not "having sex". My parents need to teach Becca about sex.

However, this does not neccasarily mean we are not having sex...as a matter of fact, we have continued to have sex ever since we broke up. It doesn't really bother me at all. I've been depressed about other things in my life...It's nice to have some company.

Joyce says our college offers ten free counseling sessions. I need to email her and get the phone number. I feel that I've pulled through the worst mostly on my own, now I just need to hear myself say it all out loud, and someone to go to for advice that I can't seem to get anywhere else ("So Tony, today I feel that you are an insensitive, arrogant, cheuvinistic asshole, What should I do?" this is especially bad because the next day I could take all of that back and be like, actually, you're a loving, caring angel, what would I ever do without you?). Since I'm studying psycology, I think I understand how this woman will operate better.

So here I am. I turn 22 on the 15th. Maybe Patrick and Alyssa will help me celebrate or something. *shrugs* All I know is I wanna do something. I've never not celebrated my birthday in some way. I feel I may be depressed and lonely on that day, just because of the breakup...To be honest, I've felt that way a lot anyway...

Meh. At least I can write again.