Be afraid of the cold, They'll inherit your blood.

I can't get on this computer without seeing either naked pictures of his exes, or something horrible about me he's telling someone I don't know. Tonight it was that he's pissed at me for going through his things.

He seems to hold a total disregard for my feelings. Before him, I never became submissive for a man. I had an attitude, I was crass and mean...But I trusted him.

I never say anything mean about him. He has to convince his friends that he's in the right, and he's a good person...Seems I have to convince mine not to come after him and beat the hell out of him.

I'm nice. I offer my body, my time, my effort...I try so damned hard, and I'm still this evil bitch that he'll be glad to get rid of...But like Jeff said to me, We're arguing over two different things. I claim that I FEEL like Tony hates me. Tony always replies, "I don't hate you". I fail to notice that the argument has shifted, and the entire point gets lost.

I told him once words make a world of difference. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

Four days fasting from sex and masturbation, and for good reason. Three days without a shower, Three days chaining, for no reason.

I'm not eating enough. At least I'm losing weight. I'm throwing up all the time again, This would be a great time to get sick huh?

And then theres Russ. I don't need to pretend to be Mother Theresa. Sometimes I can't come over, especially at 2 AM when I'm sick and stressed out.

BLAH!

Words

"Emotionally, she's the wierdest thing in this hemisphere." -DV8

Prepare for the fight

Allright, so I survived this one...

I'm still not sure I believe him, and I know I won't trust him for a long time...

I have this feeling he thinks my "date" with Russel, and "date" with Renee means anything. for Renee, 98 % of my intentions are just friendship, 1% is a little more than that, and 1% is her sexuality, I want to talk about it....With Russ, 98 is friendship, 1% is more and 1% is to get him to shave off that eeew facial hair :) I think he'd be kinda cute without it.

If I did go on a date, it'd be none of his damned business.

ugh. I don't know what to think, and the suspense is killing me as to what he said to Katie about me. I may ask to read it later.

Guess we'll see what happens.

Lyrics

Elliott Smith - Waltz #2

First the mic then a half cigarette
singing cathy's clown
that's the man that she's married to now
that's the girl that he takes around town
she appears composed, so she is, i suppose
who can really tell?
she shows no emotion at all
stares into space like a dead china doll
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow
now she's done and they're calling someone
such a familiar name
i'm so glad that my memories remote
'cos i'm doing just fine hour to hour,
note to note
here it is, the revenge to the tune
"you're no good,you're no good you're no good you're no good"
can't you tell that it's well understood
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow
i'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
i'm tired
i'm tired
looking out on the substitute scene
still going strong
XO,
mom
it's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong
tell mr. man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
in the place where i make no mistakes
in the place where i have what it takes
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow,
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow,
i'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow.

Stares into space like a dead china doll...

It's happened. I knew it would.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I LISTEN TO KATIE????

Daniel, Why does it always seem your the one and only constant in my life? I'll be back in Abilene come the end of the semester. If I have to hitch hike I will. Lonnie's already agreed to giving me a place to stay, and honestly, all the things that would seem to be rational things to sort out, are the least on my list of agendas.

He says he flirts with all girls, that was NOT flirting. He told her he couldn't be with her, then told her she shouldn't give up hope, then he dumps me, then he tells her he likes her back IN TWO WEEKS! He said he never moves this quickly when he jumped from Katie to me, now he's doing it again!

I have to live with him till the end of semester?

I doubt that, probably just till he gets Emily to feel sorry for him and take him in.

The part I hate is how he says he can talk to Emily about things he can't talk to me about. I had a nightmare that he was kissing her while i did his laundry (same dream I had a week before Sarah ran off with Caleb for a couple days), and I couldn't take it anymore.

I looked at the IMs. I've had the exact conversations with him.

And he talks about me like he talked about Katie.

I have to walk around tomorrow like I don't know anything because I snooped. I have to sit here and find a nice way of telling him he's an asshole and I never should have trusted.....trust.....trusted...... him.

I'm hyperventilating silently. This is hard to do.

I'm not a good person, I've done drugs, had sex with strangers, and I've cried my tears and took my consequences, but I am still, somehow, a good girl. I cleaned myself up and quit smoking for him. I went through Jon Fuller's little fake rehab trying to get off of shit and though I wouldn't do it, I am desperate. I want white, I want burn, I want bubble, I want high....cocaine, lithium, ecstasy, gbh, rohypnol, fucking heroin! How can I want heroin??? I hate needles and have a scar where my former-friend tried to insist I try it.

I will be fine. I know I will, have to calm down. There have been worse situations... Hell, I'VE been in worse...

I just can't get those words out of my head...

"will you be my valentine?"
"I really can't talk about that now"

and to his friend:

"still pretending to like that girl to secure a place to live?"
"no, we broke up."

Daniel, my friend Adam was right...Texas is safer. I'll be back as soon as I can.

(random non-emotional note I wrote after smoking and calming down a little: Have you heard of Elliot Smith? His song "waltz #2" has become my favorite song. It's on my myspace if you want to hear, I think you'll like it... I know you'll have to apreciate the words anyway...)

Words

"Abraham threw Isaac on the pyre to prove his faith to God – what was your excuse?" -Lex Luthor (smallville)

Haligh haligh, a lie, Haligh

Tony broke up with me two or three days ago.

I guess I should have seen it coming. I've been sick for several months now, and as a result, I've been morbidly depressed. I tried for a long time to keep it in, but then I started taking it out on him. I learned my lesson, just a day or two too late...

I'm a good girl damn it. I've got problems like everyone else. Of course I'm going to be jealous of the bi girl who enjoys threesomes (and is smarter than me and actually has money and a career) that you've been talking to all day every day since right before the break-up. No I'm not going to respond well to you telling her about how I've been begging you to sleep with me. Take it up with me, not everyone else.

*sigh*

He's a good man, just confused. And I'm not much help at the moment...

I just want to be apreciated for who I am and not expected to be anything else.

I also guess I just don't understand staying in a relationship until the "spark" is all gone...The spark always goes away, and in good relationships, it comes back...and comes and goes and comes and goes.

So...no more bitching. Current agenda: I want a date for Valentine's day. Preferably female (after Tony, I think I could use a woman's company), who wants to go slow and doesn't mind me being cautious about relationships.

I think a date would be good for me. Remind me that there just might be someone better than him...

Cause right this minute, I'm not sure there is.