Stares into space like a dead china doll...

It's happened. I knew it would.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I LISTEN TO KATIE????

Daniel, Why does it always seem your the one and only constant in my life? I'll be back in Abilene come the end of the semester. If I have to hitch hike I will. Lonnie's already agreed to giving me a place to stay, and honestly, all the things that would seem to be rational things to sort out, are the least on my list of agendas.

He says he flirts with all girls, that was NOT flirting. He told her he couldn't be with her, then told her she shouldn't give up hope, then he dumps me, then he tells her he likes her back IN TWO WEEKS! He said he never moves this quickly when he jumped from Katie to me, now he's doing it again!

I have to live with him till the end of semester?

I doubt that, probably just till he gets Emily to feel sorry for him and take him in.

The part I hate is how he says he can talk to Emily about things he can't talk to me about. I had a nightmare that he was kissing her while i did his laundry (same dream I had a week before Sarah ran off with Caleb for a couple days), and I couldn't take it anymore.

I looked at the IMs. I've had the exact conversations with him.

And he talks about me like he talked about Katie.

I have to walk around tomorrow like I don't know anything because I snooped. I have to sit here and find a nice way of telling him he's an asshole and I never should have trusted.....trust.....trusted...... him.

I'm hyperventilating silently. This is hard to do.

I'm not a good person, I've done drugs, had sex with strangers, and I've cried my tears and took my consequences, but I am still, somehow, a good girl. I cleaned myself up and quit smoking for him. I went through Jon Fuller's little fake rehab trying to get off of shit and though I wouldn't do it, I am desperate. I want white, I want burn, I want bubble, I want high....cocaine, lithium, ecstasy, gbh, rohypnol, fucking heroin! How can I want heroin??? I hate needles and have a scar where my former-friend tried to insist I try it.

I will be fine. I know I will, have to calm down. There have been worse situations... Hell, I'VE been in worse...

I just can't get those words out of my head...

"will you be my valentine?"
"I really can't talk about that now"

and to his friend:

"still pretending to like that girl to secure a place to live?"
"no, we broke up."

Daniel, my friend Adam was right...Texas is safer. I'll be back as soon as I can.

(random non-emotional note I wrote after smoking and calming down a little: Have you heard of Elliot Smith? His song "waltz #2" has become my favorite song. It's on my myspace if you want to hear, I think you'll like it... I know you'll have to apreciate the words anyway...)