Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we know major toms a junkie, strung out in heavens high, hitting an all-time low.

I'm too tired to write this blog. I just want to curl in a ball and die/sleep/become comatose...

I met my new doctor today. She's very nice, and really understanding (wrote me a prescription for Xanax without any questions, all I had to tell her was that metal objects do not go in my vagina without it, and told her it's a PTSD related phobia of mine...such a nice lady)...So, tomorrow I get blood work for everything from lupis, to diabetes, to HIV, to thyroid problems...and in September, I get a pap, a UA, and full physical to test for gonorrea, chlamidia, ulsers, certain bacteria from my miscarriage, and see how the HPV thing is doing...Also, I will get vaccinated for numerous things (including the three strains of HPV I probably don't have yet).

She also prescribed some birth control pills to get my freaking menstrual cycle under control. I told her my symptoms, and the above is what she reccomended. In other words, she doesn't have a clue what's wrong with me, but she's pretty sure it's either serious, or nothing.

She also gave me a pamphlet on carpal tunnel. My hands have been hurting like fucking crazy, she wants me to consider physical therapy.

So. That part is taken care of. She also reccomended a shrink. Oh happy day.

Mandy and Caleb wrote some horrible and very untrue things about me. I figure I'll include them in this entry, along with Heather's response to my hysterical email I sent her when I read it.

Terry (my gay boi) and Shifty (my lesbian bassist, who is quickly becoming a very close friend) took me to Cliff's yesterday. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. We rode the Music Express and the Falling star over and over. Shifty also talked me into riding the Rattler which was THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER DONE AND I NEVER WANNA DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! lol

Ummmm...got school clothes today. The twenty pounds I've gained from dating Tony made it very difficult to find ANYTHING that fit me. But I'm happy with my clothes. Eventually I will post pictures on my myspace. I need to show off my blond hair anyway.

So...in closing, here's the garbage Mandy and Caleb wrote about me. The fucked up thing about it is that I never deleted Mandy from my myspace, Caleb started the fist fight by screaming an inch away from my face (I won't go into details...the fight was stupid), I did contact her before leaving, I told her (through Heather that I was so sorry, wanted to say my apology in person, but needed her to contact me, so that I wouldn't be pressing it on her before she was ready to talk).

The fucked up part about Caleb's speech is that he's only seen me hit one person, and that was in self defense, he's never seen me throw things, and the worst lies he's heard were white lies and none of your damn business lies. Never about anyone other than myself, not a character slam or anything...Also, I am getting mental help. I'm currently in the process of finding a way to pay for it.

Whatever. These people truly don't matter, but here it is anyway. (Also, I'm not editing ANY of this...Mandy can't spell worth a shit)

Mandy:
A few weeks ago my x friend lofn was staying with me and I was the one who stupidly invited her to stay, things were going fine until she decided to pick a fist fight with my friend Caleb, I handled the situation very well I stay nutral and asked them both to leave. However since Lofn was the one who started it I decided to ban her from my home, she claimed she understood why she was banned from my home but I was under the impression that we were still cool with eachother, then about a week ago (which was her last weekend here in Abilene) I was going to say my good byes to her and I was under the impression that she would appolojize for disrespecting my home, but she didn't even say two words to me and she deleted me off of myspace. And hasn't even tried to contact me, well to that I say oh well. Lofn is one of those people who thinks the only person in the world who has problems is her and she is also her own favourite subject, I wish nothing but the best for her but she is however one of those people who knows she has serious problems and doesn't want to get help. How do I know this? She admits to haveing mental issues and still doesn't get help for it. So I wash my hands of her and I seriously hope that she gets some serious help. She oviously has an anger problem (which so do I but I'm getting help and I'm on meds for depression). And like my other freind said "It might me you she hits next time." So I'm pretty damn glad I'm rid of that drama queen.

Random person:ANGER ISSUES.. HITTING PPL...THATS LIKE THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK THERE...

Caleb: Okay number one I'm Caleb. I've known Mandy for a good while, I've seen Mandy pissed, hurt, cry, and happy. Now from all of this we all hit our brink, but at least Mandy has the gaul to admit it, and seek help, as where "Lofn" doesn't. I would know from the many years I've known "Lofn" that the world "should always revolve around her." And if it doesn't the anger she has will then be someone elses fault, which she happily will hit, punch, throw things, or make up horrible lies about that person. From someone who doesn't apparently know either one of them as well as they think they do, and just got their information only from a second hand source, who are you to speak so cruely or judge? I kindly and respectfully ask who are you to make such a harsh accusation against someone that was never even a friend of yours? Please next time you are to type something about someone you don't even know, make sure that you were there and have your facts straight. And one more thing I must ask is, how old are you? Because for being as young as I am, I'm more mature then that. Also no one asked for your opinion, this was a simple blog that a "friend" wanted her other "friends" to know about. I don't think you are a friend are you? Thank you so much for your childish input, but who asked you.
Sincerly Caleb

Me:Actually...I was trying to give you space at Old Kelly's. I wasn't sure how you felt about everything, so I was trying to be cautious, hoping you would talk to me (I was also feeling rather sick that night. If you don't believe me, you can ask Heather or Lonnie about my neck problems...It was probably just stress, but it was making it hard to be sociable)...And I didn't delete you, you were just off of my top friends....again, in an attempt to give you space.

I didn't know you had a problem with me talking about my problems, and I wouldn't have had I known. I am very sorry for the part I played in the trouble, and I am VERY sorry for disrespecting my home.

As for getting mental help, we would if we could possibly afford it. However, both of my parents are now having health problems (While I was in Abilene, both of my parents were rushed to the hospital, my mother for heart problems and high blood pressure, my father for a stress disorder with all the symptoms of a stroke), and it's taking a toll on our finances. My insurance doesn't come into effect until September 10th (and then it's only until I turn 23), and there is very little I can do until then. Trust me, if I could afford to get help, I most certainly would.

If I had known you felt this way, I never would have inconvenienced you. I am very sorry. Good luck Mandy, I am very sorry, I love you, and I wish you and your husband only the best in life.

All my love,
Lofn

PS. Caleb, I still love you as well, and I am EXTREMELY sorry that we fought. I do forgive you and I hope you can also forgive me someday.

Heather: (in response to a VERY emotional letter I wrote regarding the situation...Keep in mind, Heather is undergoing hormone changes, and might be pregnant, so...this is a little hard to read) You are not the fuck up, it pisses me off that it has been this long and now she post something like that. I talk to her about why you were unable to approach her at Old Kelley's. I can't believe someone who do that just to hurt you. That to me is wrong. You were afraid, I know that truth about what really happened that night so, you have not worries with me being upset at you are not wanting to let you vent when needed. Friends do that for each other. Mandy apparently does not know how to be a true friend. She told me after the fact that she still cares for you and if she posted that, that is not true. I will call you later today after I get home this afternoon.
I miss you and wish I had you here with me. I love you.
Heather