The diamond dogs are poachers and they hide behind trees.

Here are some backed up journal entries I wrote but for some reason didn't post...These go back to a little before some of my most recent posts, so I don't know if I'm repeating myself or anything...anyway, here it is, starting with today:

TITLE: She teaches art?

School pretty much sucked. I want Scott to come see me, or call, something. I need to bitch.

The computer screwed me up. Seriously, noone has any clue how this fucking happened. I thought I signed up for the right class but it turned out to be for the main campus. The lady said that it was impossible, that there was no way the computer would allow this to happen, yet, here I am...

Thing is, it was my english class that got fucked up, and I wound up having to take a 6 hour art class on saturdays instead...this could work out to my advantage, as Scott is an avid gamer (warhammer), and I kind of think painting his game pieces would be a fun new hobby I could explore...

Besides that, I need more creativity in my life. I've been too bored too long. So...the classes I'll be taking are:

Art studio (Saturdays)
Philosophical thought (Mondays and Wednesdays)
(that part of school totally didn't suck. Ryan signed up for the same fucking class!!! lol...Plus, I love Jeff)
Sociology (Tuesdays and Thursdays)
Theatre (Tuesdays)

I should ask Scott when his classes are. We go to a different campus, and his classes would all be different...I'm not sure what you need to major in fire science, but I imagine it's not quite the same classes as majoring in psychology. Soooooo... *shrugs* I dunno, Jeff's homework is some really interesting shit, maybe asking Scott to help will help us learn about each other.

Today sucked, but I'm very optimistic about how things are going. Too strange to be a coincidence, this has to mean something, and my intuition tells me it's probably good...REAL good.


08:23 pm August 24th, 2007
TITLE: It's tailor-made it's heaven-sent

It's nice having someone in my life who gets me. We sat up late last night watching house, Cats don't dance, and looking at videos of crappy NES and ATARI games.

The crazy part came after sex. Just all of a sudden, I stopped trusting him. I felt really wierd, and started thinking "Man, this guy is going to cheat, abuse me, leave me in some horrible way, take me for granted...Or maybe he just won't talk to me after tonight."

I expressed my concern a bit, and things have gone well ever since...I really like him, he gives me attention. He says I get this look on my face when I want attention, he says it's really cute...He treats me really well, and eagerly tried to meet my family (all but Jenny. That's funny too... he seems to think me and him and Jenny and Michael should go on a double date...That would be fucking hilarious)...

Like I said before...I got a good thing going, and I don't want to screw it up. I'm not hyping it up and telling myself he's Mr. Right, and I'm taking this all really slow, to make sure I don't get hurt again.


12:37 pm August 23rd, 2007
TITLE: Now that the rest is understood, If you're gonna hurt me hurt me good.

Scott's passed out in my room. Last night was fucking amazing.

He's cute, fun, interesting....insanely nice...I don't want to fuck this up. I met his roomate/ex-girlfriend last night, which, I thought I might be jealous and shit, but it didn't really bother me. I actually trust him, and it made me realize a few things about myself. Jealousy is hardly an issue. Feeling inferior, feeling suspicious, that'd be an issue.... If you remove the possibility of feeling suspicious and inferior, I'm fucking fine.

I'll never let anyone make me think I'm a jealous posessive little bitch again.

Lonnie is fine, he wants to beat the shit out of Mandy for making me worry. My stomach still kinda hurts from worrying about it...I just had this sudden realization that I hang out with old people, and that that means I'm going to eventually see them die.

I checked on Doug last night since I was so worried about it. Doug had a stroke a couple months ago, and we've all been worried. Meatball said he played on stage last week for the first time since the stroke, and they even got him to play the uncensored version of "He got no pants on".

Fucking awesome.

As for the hexing thing, I still don't know if I care to go into details, but I want to make clear that I never asked the gods to hurt anyone. All I did was ask that if I was in the wrong, that I would receive the karmic result, but that if the things I said about Tony were true, that the karmic result would not affect him physically. If he did truly place objects, machines, toys, etc before people, remove them, but I asked that he not be harmed physcially. I prayed in this manner.

Good person, bad person....strong words. I say a lot of things out of bitterness, anger, frustration...But I BELIEVE him to not be "a good or bad person", but "an in-between who does good and bad things"....and frankly, all I wanted to acheive was that he would see his bad deeds and learn from them, learn not to do them (which is why I didn't pray for physical harm....this would better him how? He'd use it to get sympathy, he'd never learn). Hopefully see the pattern in his relationships, and hopefully see that I'm not completely crazy.

At any rate, what has happened has now happened. I only hope he heeds the warnings. And I hope he won't regard me as spiritually powerless and himself as invincible from now on, but if he does, I don't care. I wash my hands of him, and hope the best.


04:59 pm August 21st, 2007

TITLE: If you say that there's/ no truth, and who cares/ why do you say it, like you're right?

I like Scott. Scott is cool as fuck.

"Knocked up" is kind of an interesting movie to take someone on a first date, but we didn't even think about it till the movie started. We laughed our asses off, pointed out random ass background shit ("Hey look! A Stella got her groove back in spanish movie poster!"), and I named every song that played, Bright Eyes, Lily Allen, even the motherfucking Wiggles ("hot potato hot potato!").

It was a fantastic date, I love having someone around who enjoys my mood swings (being disasociative, he often has a hard time feeling his emotions at all). We listened to bad music, He quizzed me on christian music ("AHA! Norweigan death metal" "....Extol!" "FUCK! synth pop?" "Joy electric" "SHIT"), and we just talked all night. I gave him a hug, wanted to kiss him, didn't, maybe next date....He left my house at like 6 AM.

Crazy...

I wanted to write about Tony's new blog (especially the "hexing" comment, which...yeah, that's an interesting story...lol), but I'm a little upset now. I just got a message saying Lonnie is in the hospital for chest pains. I'm scared sick, and I've been crying all day not sure how to get ahold of anyone. I can't lose Lonnie, not right when my life is getting so good. I wish I could talk to someone about this, but I'm kind of worried I've exausted my resources. Everyone had to deal with the Tony shit, they shouldn't have to deal with me while I'm grieving right after it.

I feel a bit alone again. I wish I could talk to Scott about this, but I hardly really know him...

I should be trusting the gods. They helped me last time.


01:42 am August 20th, 2007
TITLE: I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passe.

I don't want to get stoned. Now I want to get drunk. I'm bored, and I prefer drinking when I'm bored.

Clarice ate a cricket almost as big as her. She hopped around with the antennae still sticking out of her mouth. It was funny.

Just watch, she'll get as big as chloe, and I won't be able to tell them apart anymore.

Not sure why my ex thinks I want to make peace...I know what he wrote about me, it was fairly recent and very offensive. What makes him think I believe him? I'm still waiting for a shit-load of apologies, especially apologies for getting pissed off and being a dick when I had him kicked out of my bedroom. I still want an apology for treating me like shit, disregarding my feelings... Seriously...asking someone to wait until they move out of your house before they start dating someone else is not too much. And NO I don't appreciate my ex having phone sex and cybering with girls IN MY BED. That's disgusting.

"And when Carin and I made up, and both apologized... that was pretty nice, too. Especially because she acknowledged Lofn wasn't worth believing." that's a lie, so she says. She says she's fairly spineless, but she didn't go that far.

And he mentioned that he and Katie made fun of me. That's great. Whatever.

"So I guess that means she's getting what she wants. Maybe she'll read this and just laugh.But in the end, Lofn, you're still just a sad little child. And you're stuck with yourself more than I'll ever be stuck with your words. I'm hurt but I'm not dead. And I'll beat you by not ever returning fire. I won't go around bad talking you because I'm better than that. You're so angry and stunted. You're pathetic. I truly pity you. I don't hate you. I dislike you, I don't want you to be part of my life anymore... but I don't hate you. You're not worth my hate"

Angry, Stunted, Pathetic, but he won't bad-talk me. Nice. I didn't read that and laugh, I read that and burned. I read that wishing I had trashed all his shit and let all my friends beat the crap out of him...I read that wishing I'd never met him, I read that thinking I should have joined the army.... Or that I should have become a nun.... Or that I should have remained a lesbian.

I read that regretting ever letting him sweet-talk me into bed (feeling disgusted that I had ever slept with him). I read that wishing I had had more self esteem and didn't jump at the first person who told me I was still beautiful without hair.

And then he bragged. Oh god, the one thing I wanted. I'm convinced he did it because I wanted it. After everything I did for him, he never bragged about me, and now he's bragging about her. I hated that. Alyssa had to beat it into my head for hours that I'm not horrible and ugly and stupid. She had to remind me how horrible he was to me, and why I shouldn't care that he's got someone knew. She had to remind me that I have Leslie and Christina. She showed me their pictures and Leslie's logs, and reminded me how promising this date with Leslie looks.

And it does, and she's adorable, and I like her...she's smart, and funny, has good taste in music and so innocent I want to protect her. I can't wait to meet her...Christina too. I should really look up Adesbah again as well...

Life is looking good for me. I'm definitely enjoying my freedom, and I was right. I got asked out by tons of attractive, intelligent, fun awesome people with values and standards AFTER TONY LEFT. Leslie even says that she wouldn't have asked me out if he was still living here. Reva said she wouldn't either.... As if Reva would ask me out now. Stupid new boy-friend guy. I'm glad she's happy, but damn me for being stupid.

At any rate, I'm happier, a better person, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less depressed, and now that Donny's gone, I'm trying to spend time with my family again. Try and re-build our relationship.

If Tony had EVER wrote anything nice about me in his damn LJ, I'd consider it. And if he deleted all the horrible shit about me he wrote, I'd consider. And if I thought for two seconds he'd apologize, I'd consider. And if it didn't look like he only called to look good to my mom, or to look like the good guy, or because he wants me to stop telling people about what he did to me, I'd consider. "Lofn has decided I am the worst human being alive." no...I think he's too inhuman to be the worst human alive. Nicole is right. I'm too good for him. He'll be the bum by the side of the road, and I'll be the rich bitch in the limosine, giving him food and shelter and a job, then getting him out of my life as fast as possible. And I'll drive away wondering why the fuck I did that. Seems Nicole thinks I'm a much better person than I tend to think I am.

In the meantime, I have more important things to think about. Like what my doctor told me. Oooooh my fucked up little body....what the fuck is wrong with you this time???

I had blood work done for everything from lupis, to diabetes, to HIV, to thyroid problems...She didn't call, so I guess I don't have aids. lol

And in September, I get a pap, a UA, and full physical to test for gonorrea, chlamidia, ulsers, certain bacteria from my semi recent miscarriage (that's a long story. I imagine he'll call me a liar if I were to tell it, so whatever.), and see how the HPV thing is doing...Also, I will get vaccinated for numerous things (including the three strains of HPV I probably don't have yet).

She also prescribed some birth control pills to get my freaking menstrual cycle under control. I told her all my symptoms, and the above is what she said we should do. In other words, she doesn't have a clue what's wrong with me, but she's pretty sure it's either really serious, or hypochondria. She says she's "betting on the former, hoping for the latter." She's worried that I might have been very sick this whole time, and that I made it worse by not kicking my ex out in February and letting me lose my mind over him.

My mom bought me an anti-Tony t-shirt. I know she feels bad, but I forgave my family a while back.

She also gave me a pamphlet on carpal tunnel. My hands have been hurting like fucking crazy, she wants me to consider physical therapy. I'll do it if it turns out to be an option.

This is all probably horribly misspelled and gramatically incorrect, but my hands ache so bad I don't give a shit. I should get some sleep. Maybe my hands will feel better in the morning. I certainly hope so.





06:09 pm August 19th, 2007
TITLE: All the immediate unknowns are better than knowing this tired and lonely fate.

Ugh. I proved to myself that I can find a job, now I need to find a job I won't get myself killed in.

My hands and the backs of my legs hurt SO BAD...One day and I had to quit due to CTS and possible heat stroke (or it could be that autoimmune disease thing my doctor has been spazzing out about "It's either extreme hypochondria, or something that could kill you... I'll put money on the latter." I love my doctor.)...10 dollars an hour is not worth it, especially when my modelling career is looking like it will go somewhere. I already have several freelance jobs lined up, and Dan and I had some awesome SG ideas the other day.

I've decided I'm far too beautiful to let my exes get me down...Every friend I have wants to see my SG shoot :) I don't know why I let people tell me I was ugly, bad in bed, had the angles, or was too fat.

I'm starting to kinda lose weight besides that. Not that I need to, but now that I'm not so worried, somehow, I'm losing weight...

I think I need to lay down again. Alyssa says I should anyway...


11:28 pm August 17th, 2007
TITLE: I wanna girl with a college head, not some dizzy mind.

Kindra totally wants my ass.

Christina was busy, so I called Kindra, she's pretty cool...She totally wants to rape me though....maybe if she got divorced, I would consider going out with her, but it makes me sad to see her in such a verbally abusive relationship, and she won't leave...I'll be her friend, but that's waaaay too much drama for me.

Anyway...Dan went with me, so I didn't get raped. I think if he hadn't been there, she might have :)

I totally hate myself. I wouldn't have complained.

Lyrics

I wanted to write a blog about today, but I can't seem to do it. This song is stuck in my head though, and it just seems to fit how I feel. Besides, I REALLY need to sleep.

Mistakes we knew we were making
by Straylight Run

And all our sins come back to haunt us in the end
to hang around and tap us on the shoulder
and smile
silent
it's all implied
"you'll die trying to live this down. you might as well forget it."
still, i'm convinced that wondering "what if...?" is the worst thing there is

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
let them ferment and came back to our senses
drove back home and slept a few days
woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be

And all these lines fall short of what i had in mind
a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling
so i just try and fail and try and try again
someday i swear i'm going to get it
because i'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
let them ferment and came back to our senses
drove back home and slept a few days
woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be

We'll get over it
Sad, strong, safe and sober
We'll move forward
And know where we went wrong
But you can't go home again
you can't go home again
you can't go home again
you can't go home
you can't go home again
you can't go home again
you can't go home
again

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets
let them ferment and came back to our senses
drove back home and slept a few days
woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we know major toms a junkie, strung out in heavens high, hitting an all-time low.

I'm too tired to write this blog. I just want to curl in a ball and die/sleep/become comatose...

I met my new doctor today. She's very nice, and really understanding (wrote me a prescription for Xanax without any questions, all I had to tell her was that metal objects do not go in my vagina without it, and told her it's a PTSD related phobia of mine...such a nice lady)...So, tomorrow I get blood work for everything from lupis, to diabetes, to HIV, to thyroid problems...and in September, I get a pap, a UA, and full physical to test for gonorrea, chlamidia, ulsers, certain bacteria from my miscarriage, and see how the HPV thing is doing...Also, I will get vaccinated for numerous things (including the three strains of HPV I probably don't have yet).

She also prescribed some birth control pills to get my freaking menstrual cycle under control. I told her my symptoms, and the above is what she reccomended. In other words, she doesn't have a clue what's wrong with me, but she's pretty sure it's either serious, or nothing.

She also gave me a pamphlet on carpal tunnel. My hands have been hurting like fucking crazy, she wants me to consider physical therapy.

So. That part is taken care of. She also reccomended a shrink. Oh happy day.

Mandy and Caleb wrote some horrible and very untrue things about me. I figure I'll include them in this entry, along with Heather's response to my hysterical email I sent her when I read it.

Terry (my gay boi) and Shifty (my lesbian bassist, who is quickly becoming a very close friend) took me to Cliff's yesterday. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. We rode the Music Express and the Falling star over and over. Shifty also talked me into riding the Rattler which was THE SCARIEST THING I'VE EVER DONE AND I NEVER WANNA DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! lol

Ummmm...got school clothes today. The twenty pounds I've gained from dating Tony made it very difficult to find ANYTHING that fit me. But I'm happy with my clothes. Eventually I will post pictures on my myspace. I need to show off my blond hair anyway.

So...in closing, here's the garbage Mandy and Caleb wrote about me. The fucked up thing about it is that I never deleted Mandy from my myspace, Caleb started the fist fight by screaming an inch away from my face (I won't go into details...the fight was stupid), I did contact her before leaving, I told her (through Heather that I was so sorry, wanted to say my apology in person, but needed her to contact me, so that I wouldn't be pressing it on her before she was ready to talk).

The fucked up part about Caleb's speech is that he's only seen me hit one person, and that was in self defense, he's never seen me throw things, and the worst lies he's heard were white lies and none of your damn business lies. Never about anyone other than myself, not a character slam or anything...Also, I am getting mental help. I'm currently in the process of finding a way to pay for it.

Whatever. These people truly don't matter, but here it is anyway. (Also, I'm not editing ANY of this...Mandy can't spell worth a shit)

Mandy:
A few weeks ago my x friend lofn was staying with me and I was the one who stupidly invited her to stay, things were going fine until she decided to pick a fist fight with my friend Caleb, I handled the situation very well I stay nutral and asked them both to leave. However since Lofn was the one who started it I decided to ban her from my home, she claimed she understood why she was banned from my home but I was under the impression that we were still cool with eachother, then about a week ago (which was her last weekend here in Abilene) I was going to say my good byes to her and I was under the impression that she would appolojize for disrespecting my home, but she didn't even say two words to me and she deleted me off of myspace. And hasn't even tried to contact me, well to that I say oh well. Lofn is one of those people who thinks the only person in the world who has problems is her and she is also her own favourite subject, I wish nothing but the best for her but she is however one of those people who knows she has serious problems and doesn't want to get help. How do I know this? She admits to haveing mental issues and still doesn't get help for it. So I wash my hands of her and I seriously hope that she gets some serious help. She oviously has an anger problem (which so do I but I'm getting help and I'm on meds for depression). And like my other freind said "It might me you she hits next time." So I'm pretty damn glad I'm rid of that drama queen.

Random person:ANGER ISSUES.. HITTING PPL...THATS LIKE THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK THERE...

Caleb: Okay number one I'm Caleb. I've known Mandy for a good while, I've seen Mandy pissed, hurt, cry, and happy. Now from all of this we all hit our brink, but at least Mandy has the gaul to admit it, and seek help, as where "Lofn" doesn't. I would know from the many years I've known "Lofn" that the world "should always revolve around her." And if it doesn't the anger she has will then be someone elses fault, which she happily will hit, punch, throw things, or make up horrible lies about that person. From someone who doesn't apparently know either one of them as well as they think they do, and just got their information only from a second hand source, who are you to speak so cruely or judge? I kindly and respectfully ask who are you to make such a harsh accusation against someone that was never even a friend of yours? Please next time you are to type something about someone you don't even know, make sure that you were there and have your facts straight. And one more thing I must ask is, how old are you? Because for being as young as I am, I'm more mature then that. Also no one asked for your opinion, this was a simple blog that a "friend" wanted her other "friends" to know about. I don't think you are a friend are you? Thank you so much for your childish input, but who asked you.
Sincerly Caleb

Me:Actually...I was trying to give you space at Old Kelly's. I wasn't sure how you felt about everything, so I was trying to be cautious, hoping you would talk to me (I was also feeling rather sick that night. If you don't believe me, you can ask Heather or Lonnie about my neck problems...It was probably just stress, but it was making it hard to be sociable)...And I didn't delete you, you were just off of my top friends....again, in an attempt to give you space.

I didn't know you had a problem with me talking about my problems, and I wouldn't have had I known. I am very sorry for the part I played in the trouble, and I am VERY sorry for disrespecting my home.

As for getting mental help, we would if we could possibly afford it. However, both of my parents are now having health problems (While I was in Abilene, both of my parents were rushed to the hospital, my mother for heart problems and high blood pressure, my father for a stress disorder with all the symptoms of a stroke), and it's taking a toll on our finances. My insurance doesn't come into effect until September 10th (and then it's only until I turn 23), and there is very little I can do until then. Trust me, if I could afford to get help, I most certainly would.

If I had known you felt this way, I never would have inconvenienced you. I am very sorry. Good luck Mandy, I am very sorry, I love you, and I wish you and your husband only the best in life.

All my love,
Lofn

PS. Caleb, I still love you as well, and I am EXTREMELY sorry that we fought. I do forgive you and I hope you can also forgive me someday.

Heather: (in response to a VERY emotional letter I wrote regarding the situation...Keep in mind, Heather is undergoing hormone changes, and might be pregnant, so...this is a little hard to read) You are not the fuck up, it pisses me off that it has been this long and now she post something like that. I talk to her about why you were unable to approach her at Old Kelley's. I can't believe someone who do that just to hurt you. That to me is wrong. You were afraid, I know that truth about what really happened that night so, you have not worries with me being upset at you are not wanting to let you vent when needed. Friends do that for each other. Mandy apparently does not know how to be a true friend. She told me after the fact that she still cares for you and if she posted that, that is not true. I will call you later today after I get home this afternoon.
I miss you and wish I had you here with me. I love you.
Heather

I'm really just a sensitive artist, perpetrating like I am the hardest

I'm not naturally this violent and angry, It takes a lot to really get me looking for revenge...I'd love to take everyone's advice and let it go, but I fucking can't!

See, what everyone who gives me that advice can't seem to understand is that he actually did win. He ruined my life and got out of the situation with a free place to stay for a few months, a punching bag and someone to have sex with if he got desperate. He lied and lied and lied and NOW THAT HE'S GONE I'm finding out about his lies. The abuse has me flinching when people touch me, and I don't want to go in my room...the memories just hurt too bad.

Fea talked to me last night. I was right about everything...He was dating her. I'm so fucking mad about this, not just because I got fucked over, but also because she did. He told her I was psycho and that I beat him...come on...If I had really been beating him, why was I running away to TX to escape him? And why did he wait till July to move out?

Fea is pissed at him, for various reasons, and MK is talking about trying to help me recover...

Meanwhile, not having a car is killing me, I need a cigarette, and I can't finish this blog post because I'm getting griped at.

Lyrics

Ben Fold's Five
The last polka

well, she crept back in the house at half past 3
shook her head to see him snoring in his sleep
"if you really loved me," she said,
"I wouldn't have to be so mean"
he's a heap of junk that pours from his top drawer
he sometimes likes to spread it out around the floor
it's evidence of what he was like
he likes to remember when

sha la lie sha la lie lie lie
the end is growing near
and we're treading water now
and holding back our tears
and the day is rising,
we're sinking
sha la sha la lie

in a minute it will all be coming down
and they know it now,
but no one makes a sound
such a shame to ruin this bright
lazy, sunny day

sha la lie sha la lie lie lie
the end is growing near
and we're treading water now
and holding back our tears
and the day is rising,
we're sinking
sha la sha la lie

my oh my,
the cruelest lies are often told
without a word
my oh my,
the kindest truths are
often spoken,
never heard

she said,
"you've been pushing me like I was a
sore tooth"
"you can't respect me 'cause I've done
so much for you"
he said,
"well I hate that it's come to this,
but baby I was doing fine"
"how do you think
that I survived the other 25 before you?"

sha la lie sha la lie lie lie
the end is growing near
and we're treading water now
and holding back our tears
and the day is rising,
we're sinking

Last night I heard the screaming

One of these days Daniel, I'll listen to you. In response to a recent comment you left... Yeah, I'm not so sure getting to know Sarah was such a great idea, but hell, I learned something, about love, about desperation, about this idea of till death do you part. Had I married Sarah, and really held to that, I don't know that I'd be alive right now. She was wonderful in the beginning, but I can't believe what she's become.

*sigh*


oh yeah, and I got a B+ in logic and critical thinking. It turns out I was doing so well in that class, I didn't even have to know what a truth table was.

And, for whoever gives a rats ass, I got a B+ in psych, and A's in human sexuality and world religion (go figure). Hooray for me ;)

Words

"It is a sin to believe evil in others, but it is seldom a mistake."

H.L. Mencken.

I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend, but I'm a little glowing friend, but really, I'm not actually your friend...

I wish I could say this has been the greatest time of my life and I was so busy having fun that I didn't have time to write.

That would be a lie.

I've actually spent that time being very lonely, very depressed, very sick and very angry.

Sometimes I think there isn't room enough in this house for both me AND Tony's over-inflated ego. He is a BEGINNER hypnotist. He's not been doing it long, but he thinks he's a fucking expert.

You know what? He can make me orgasm over and over with his voice, but after the sex, he's usually in a chat room bragging about himself (and all he'll really say to me is "I'm so awesome. What other man can do THAT to you?"...makes me sick.), leaving me feeling used and forgotten. He's not only not that great, he's quickly become the worst sex of my life, not because he's not good during sex, but because of how hurt I feel after it.

I'm trying so hard to be over him...In fact, I think I might be, but I'm so hung up on the idea that he was never in love with me, that he used me, that he was looking for an excuse to run away from his life in Georgia (all his words, not mine), It's hard to feel ok...

I wish just one person that I've fallen in love with would tell me they were in love with me... People either don't, or take it back.

*sigh*

Maybe my dad is right, maybe my standards are too high...But I'll be really upset if I'm really supposed to aim lower than this.

Can't identify the body, nigga toothless...

Why the FUCK am I still listening to DMX?? Because he scares me, and I feel that if I ever stopped listening to him, He'd probably eat me.

That and the growl before his line in "touch it" the mega remix is really undeniably sexy. I'm such a mud shark.

"Tony needs to get over himself." Is the understatement of the year. But what can I do love? He's one of the few people to actually "get me" since you. Lonnie got it, Travis kind of got it, You totally got it, Caleb kind of gets it, Myke almost got it (but was scared to admit it), Sarah....sometimes I wonder if it wasn't that she didn't get me, but that I didn't get her.

I want to keep Tony as my friend...I'm tired of being so alone.

I'm not pregnant. I have that to be thankful for.

If you haven't seen my dream journal, you should. I'm only posting in there when I really have some psycho dream I can't shake, but I've been getting those a lot more often, so it should be semi-regularly.

So I'm at school right now...I gave Ryan my password to get into Jeff's readings for logic and critical thinking, and now I'm just kind of fucking around. I might smoke with the remaining twenty minutes I have before I have to go into class and pretend I know what the hell he's talking about. (Me: "truth tables? Ah yes, Truth tables, well, as you see, they are tables, and, they concern themselves with the truth." Jeff: "You didn't do your homework again, did you Lofn?")

Words.

"Playing with prodigal songs, takes a lot of sentimental valiums. Can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy, while running on empty, you little old doll with a frown."

-Rufus WainWright

Queerest of the queer

I slapped Tony over the head last night.

It's not abuse. He made me mad, and I slapped him upside the head. He keeps calling it "abuse", but I swear to god. I've done this twice, now, one during the breakup, one last night... Not making what I did right, but he needs to stop calling it "abuse". I've had the shit beaten out of me in relationships, and I was dumb enough to stay for a really long time. If I was truly abusive, he would have left by now.

We're actually becomming good friends aside from that...And still having sex...I've stopped caring. I'd rather sleep with my ex boyfriend than total stangers, which is what I used to do before I met him.

I've hit the strangest point. We're broken up, allowed to sleep with other people, and...(please don't let this ever be repeated ever...And Dany...please don't think I'm a horrible person)...We actually tried the whole threesome thing. I had a threesome before, just, not on purpose, and it was two men...But this was actually kind of a relief...there was no oral or intercourse involved. We got naked, made out in a bed, touched each other and went home.

I feel surprisingly good about it. I can't explain it.

Enough about my bizarro sex life :p It'll make an awesome movie someday I'm sure. This is why I'm happy today, and why I'm sad (the Bad is also why I hit Tony last night. I accused him of being "just like everyone else)

Good: The one year anniversary for quitting cocaine is the fourteenth, I think. I recall doing drugs for work around the 13th or 14th, and then quitting before my b-day. and the best part is, I TURNED DOWN COKE LAST NIGHT! This was the first time it's been offered to me in ages, and I turned it down. :) Not to mention turning down weed. That was surprising.

Bad: Today is the one year anniversary of getting pregnant :( Five months from now will be the one year anniversary of miscarrying. :(

Daniel, Over the years, Our lives have gone in completely different directions, I've made some HORRIBLE decisisions...And it's strange. Your still the only one I count on to always be there.

[Condescending my ass]

Words.

"Women are like men, but men are not like women. You'll understand when your older." -Coach McGirk, Home Movies

Will you love me just a little, just to show you care?

For the record, at least someone is doing something, going somewhere...even if prayers escape us both, I'm still proud of you, and that means something to me.

Also for the record. Tony was hugging me on my bed. We were not "having sex". My parents need to teach Becca about sex.

However, this does not neccasarily mean we are not having sex...as a matter of fact, we have continued to have sex ever since we broke up. It doesn't really bother me at all. I've been depressed about other things in my life...It's nice to have some company.

Joyce says our college offers ten free counseling sessions. I need to email her and get the phone number. I feel that I've pulled through the worst mostly on my own, now I just need to hear myself say it all out loud, and someone to go to for advice that I can't seem to get anywhere else ("So Tony, today I feel that you are an insensitive, arrogant, cheuvinistic asshole, What should I do?" this is especially bad because the next day I could take all of that back and be like, actually, you're a loving, caring angel, what would I ever do without you?). Since I'm studying psycology, I think I understand how this woman will operate better.

So here I am. I turn 22 on the 15th. Maybe Patrick and Alyssa will help me celebrate or something. *shrugs* All I know is I wanna do something. I've never not celebrated my birthday in some way. I feel I may be depressed and lonely on that day, just because of the breakup...To be honest, I've felt that way a lot anyway...

Meh. At least I can write again.

Be afraid of the cold, They'll inherit your blood.

I can't get on this computer without seeing either naked pictures of his exes, or something horrible about me he's telling someone I don't know. Tonight it was that he's pissed at me for going through his things.

He seems to hold a total disregard for my feelings. Before him, I never became submissive for a man. I had an attitude, I was crass and mean...But I trusted him.

I never say anything mean about him. He has to convince his friends that he's in the right, and he's a good person...Seems I have to convince mine not to come after him and beat the hell out of him.

I'm nice. I offer my body, my time, my effort...I try so damned hard, and I'm still this evil bitch that he'll be glad to get rid of...But like Jeff said to me, We're arguing over two different things. I claim that I FEEL like Tony hates me. Tony always replies, "I don't hate you". I fail to notice that the argument has shifted, and the entire point gets lost.

I told him once words make a world of difference. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

Four days fasting from sex and masturbation, and for good reason. Three days without a shower, Three days chaining, for no reason.

I'm not eating enough. At least I'm losing weight. I'm throwing up all the time again, This would be a great time to get sick huh?

And then theres Russ. I don't need to pretend to be Mother Theresa. Sometimes I can't come over, especially at 2 AM when I'm sick and stressed out.

BLAH!

Words

"Emotionally, she's the wierdest thing in this hemisphere." -DV8

Prepare for the fight

Allright, so I survived this one...

I'm still not sure I believe him, and I know I won't trust him for a long time...

I have this feeling he thinks my "date" with Russel, and "date" with Renee means anything. for Renee, 98 % of my intentions are just friendship, 1% is a little more than that, and 1% is her sexuality, I want to talk about it....With Russ, 98 is friendship, 1% is more and 1% is to get him to shave off that eeew facial hair :) I think he'd be kinda cute without it.

If I did go on a date, it'd be none of his damned business.

ugh. I don't know what to think, and the suspense is killing me as to what he said to Katie about me. I may ask to read it later.

Guess we'll see what happens.

Lyrics

Elliott Smith - Waltz #2

First the mic then a half cigarette
singing cathy's clown
that's the man that she's married to now
that's the girl that he takes around town
she appears composed, so she is, i suppose
who can really tell?
she shows no emotion at all
stares into space like a dead china doll
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow
now she's done and they're calling someone
such a familiar name
i'm so glad that my memories remote
'cos i'm doing just fine hour to hour,
note to note
here it is, the revenge to the tune
"you're no good,you're no good you're no good you're no good"
can't you tell that it's well understood
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow
i'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
i'm tired
i'm tired
looking out on the substitute scene
still going strong
XO,
mom
it's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong
tell mr. man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
in the place where i make no mistakes
in the place where i have what it takes
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow,
i'm never gonna know you now,
but i'm gonna love you anyhow,
i'm never gonna know you now, but i'm gonna love you anyhow.

Stares into space like a dead china doll...

It's happened. I knew it would.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I LISTEN TO KATIE????

Daniel, Why does it always seem your the one and only constant in my life? I'll be back in Abilene come the end of the semester. If I have to hitch hike I will. Lonnie's already agreed to giving me a place to stay, and honestly, all the things that would seem to be rational things to sort out, are the least on my list of agendas.

He says he flirts with all girls, that was NOT flirting. He told her he couldn't be with her, then told her she shouldn't give up hope, then he dumps me, then he tells her he likes her back IN TWO WEEKS! He said he never moves this quickly when he jumped from Katie to me, now he's doing it again!

I have to live with him till the end of semester?

I doubt that, probably just till he gets Emily to feel sorry for him and take him in.

The part I hate is how he says he can talk to Emily about things he can't talk to me about. I had a nightmare that he was kissing her while i did his laundry (same dream I had a week before Sarah ran off with Caleb for a couple days), and I couldn't take it anymore.

I looked at the IMs. I've had the exact conversations with him.

And he talks about me like he talked about Katie.

I have to walk around tomorrow like I don't know anything because I snooped. I have to sit here and find a nice way of telling him he's an asshole and I never should have trusted.....trust.....trusted...... him.

I'm hyperventilating silently. This is hard to do.

I'm not a good person, I've done drugs, had sex with strangers, and I've cried my tears and took my consequences, but I am still, somehow, a good girl. I cleaned myself up and quit smoking for him. I went through Jon Fuller's little fake rehab trying to get off of shit and though I wouldn't do it, I am desperate. I want white, I want burn, I want bubble, I want high....cocaine, lithium, ecstasy, gbh, rohypnol, fucking heroin! How can I want heroin??? I hate needles and have a scar where my former-friend tried to insist I try it.

I will be fine. I know I will, have to calm down. There have been worse situations... Hell, I'VE been in worse...

I just can't get those words out of my head...

"will you be my valentine?"
"I really can't talk about that now"

and to his friend:

"still pretending to like that girl to secure a place to live?"
"no, we broke up."

Daniel, my friend Adam was right...Texas is safer. I'll be back as soon as I can.

(random non-emotional note I wrote after smoking and calming down a little: Have you heard of Elliot Smith? His song "waltz #2" has become my favorite song. It's on my myspace if you want to hear, I think you'll like it... I know you'll have to apreciate the words anyway...)

Words

"Abraham threw Isaac on the pyre to prove his faith to God – what was your excuse?" -Lex Luthor (smallville)

Haligh haligh, a lie, Haligh

Tony broke up with me two or three days ago.

I guess I should have seen it coming. I've been sick for several months now, and as a result, I've been morbidly depressed. I tried for a long time to keep it in, but then I started taking it out on him. I learned my lesson, just a day or two too late...

I'm a good girl damn it. I've got problems like everyone else. Of course I'm going to be jealous of the bi girl who enjoys threesomes (and is smarter than me and actually has money and a career) that you've been talking to all day every day since right before the break-up. No I'm not going to respond well to you telling her about how I've been begging you to sleep with me. Take it up with me, not everyone else.

*sigh*

He's a good man, just confused. And I'm not much help at the moment...

I just want to be apreciated for who I am and not expected to be anything else.

I also guess I just don't understand staying in a relationship until the "spark" is all gone...The spark always goes away, and in good relationships, it comes back...and comes and goes and comes and goes.

So...no more bitching. Current agenda: I want a date for Valentine's day. Preferably female (after Tony, I think I could use a woman's company), who wants to go slow and doesn't mind me being cautious about relationships.

I think a date would be good for me. Remind me that there just might be someone better than him...

Cause right this minute, I'm not sure there is.